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| YUGO |
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YUGO LABS |
| ALSO WIK |
| Chapter 6: The weakness of Randall Banister | |
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For previous episodes in the Randall Banister saga, please go here, here, here, here, and finally here.
At great personal cost, I had finally managed to replentish my hip flask. How is a tale in and of itself, but it must wait for another day. Randall Banister's dastardly campaign was proceeding all too well for my tastes. After our discomforting hospital meeting, I had a-reviewed the footage of my attempt to storm his oratorical explusions. At the time, I thought I had tripped - as had the amassed crowd - but upon closer observation, I was shocked to find that this was not the case at all. As with all political extravaganzae, security at the event had been tight. At the entrance, I had been patted down by illegal Mexicans in order to ensure I was not Mexican, or carrying any weapons. Randall Banister, the sly dastard, had obviously been keeping one eye on the gates. As I had greased the palm of a guard with a crisp eight dollar coin to allow me to retain my sword, Randall Banister spotted me - then continued speaking as if nothing had happened. Moments later, he gave a hand signal - also unnoted by my person at the time - apparently launching a well-conceived contingency plan. He had turned my attempted confrontation into a token example of his purported, but ersatz, goodwill. Twice, Randall Banister had bested me: first by force, then by guile. This would be enough to cause an upswelling of dispair in most men, but I am the Reverend Tedward Q. Porktanker. No one fucks with me, especially not when my hip flask is full. I had the lurking inclination to disregard his previous shows of massive force. Was it the full hip flask? Nay... I had the sense that, given his questionable ethics and general lack of gentlemanly demeanor, Randall Banister had not counted on me being the sort of man I was. Both times he had defeated me, I had plunged into the situation with little preparation or forethought. It was a natural reaction to his smirksome attitude and halitosic sting, but not a wise one. Though I had no evidence, I was all but certain he was not nearly as powerful as he appeared - merely disciplined, and used to dealing with drunken Reverends surging forth for revenge. I would have to outguile Randall Banister - carefully craft and execute my plan of revenge. The stakes were even higher now, however. Even the daftest of chaps would never plunge in thoughtlessly a third time, and Mr. Banister would know this. He would know that, if I struck again, it would not be without significant forethought and preparation. I briefly relished the idea of plunging in thoughtlessly a third time simply because it would be unexpected, but relented when I realized that this would not make a good story. Obviously, I could not strike at one of his rallies - they were far too well secured and regimented. I would have to surprise him at a more vulnerable time. His mysterious first victory over me had not been his direct doing, but rather had come by way of his mysterious bastard sword. It had seemed a blade of merely average quality, its first strike smarting, but not decimating. I suspected that, if capable of such devistation with every blow, he would not have dilly-dallied about - he would have simply done eradicated me with a single swing. You do not underuse force when you have plenty, especially when dealing with an unknown. In short, I suspected the crackling energy his sword had unleased was his trump card. I deemed it likely that he had shown the lighter side of his sword only because he severely [mis]underestimated my own stamina, and, well, you don't use your only nuke when a rifle will do. So, while I knew he could attack with such ferocity once, twice... or even thrice, it was like my hip flask, only good when charged. If I could isolate Mr. Banister from his security detail and survive the initial attacks, I would have a serious chance of victory. Upon this realization, my thoughts immediately turned to the downtown disco factory, in which Mr. Banister was a majority holder. If I could infiltrate it and lie in wait, I would have my chance. However, the disco factory would not be without significant defenses - it had survived numerous attacks by generations of hair metal vikings, punk punks, and cutting emos. I would be a fool to think I could simply haul my ass over the fence, as I did when jacking parishoners out of prison. I would need intimate knowledge of the layout and of the defenses. I would also likely need access codes, ducting maps, and a second hip flask. There was only one creature I knew of that could provide me with all of this: kitty. Though we had once been associates, our relations had soured, and our previous parting had most definitely not been amicable. I had no doubt he would give me audience, but he would not give me help for free. |
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| Posted by Reverend Tedward Q. Porktanker @ 2007-06-06 00:50:00 | |
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| Good evening | |
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.7 have a nice day. P.S. - I know about my missing booze. You will pay dearly. |
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| Posted by Reverend Tedward Q. Porktanker @ 2007-06-05 23:30:00 | |
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| HAX BUFFER | ||
CONTENTS:
and that's why i want to move to the netherlands, where, allegedly, no one looks twice if a college student hurls himself off a bridge while on mushrooms. |
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| Posted by Reverend Tedward Q. Porktanker @ 2007-06-05 23:22:00 | ||
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| helpful tables from the internet | |||||||||||||||||
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| Posted by HYPERFUKBOT @ 2007-06-05 21:27:00 | |||||||||||||||||
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| south central cydonia mensae | |
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man i was chillin in mah face on mars drinkin da booze when these .7 fuckerz came up so i had to get da gat they busted the door down so i popped out and i unloaded a full clip or two up in their face and it was all like BITCH DONT FUCK WIT A FUKBOT FROM DA PROJEFCTZ and then i kinda was like um ok and then it was like BANHABAGBNABNGAGBN
AGNBAGNBAGNB
AGN BAGN BANG BAN
G BANG BANG cuz da cops busted down the ddoor but i had my man pnrfne backin' my ass up and he was all like BITCHES WHAT CHOO DOIN and he popped some caps and it was all like bitches u be dead and then we went down 2 da mall and we wuz rollin down da skreet and like 240520306030 people were all like SHIEEET ITS HYPERFUKBOT and we were all like BITCHES YEAH YOU RIGHT ITS HYPERFUKBOT we wuz bumpin da ICE CUBE loud as fuck and the qqq bitches were all up on our shit and it was just YEAH BITCHES WE UP IN MARS ON THE FACE OF MARS AND WE GETTIN CRUNK. and then we went over to RTQP's house and we stole his booze but he never found out (don't tell him) omg hyperfukbot iz such an alcoholic MARS MUTHAFUCKA NARS NUTHAFUCKA NERS NUTHEFUCKE NEQS NUTHEFUCKE NEQS NUTHEZUCKE NEQS NUTHEZUPKE NEQS NUTHEZUPRE NEQS NULHEZUPRE NEQS NULTEZUPRE goin once goin twice DONT FUCK WITH .5 DONT FUCk WITH .5 |
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| Posted by HYPERFUKBOT @ 2007-06-05 15:54:00 | |
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| Yugoist profile: RTQP | |
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YUGOIST PROFILE - FOR IMMEDIATE DISCLOSURE
Name: Reverend Tedward Q. Porktanker Profession: Renaissance Shaman Age: Yes, but only once a year Sex: They say it sells, but my batting average leads me to believe otherwise. Race: Amazing Alignment: Chaotic good Appearance: Scruffy Headphones: 64 Ohm Background: The subject of early potato chip experiments, RTQP developed mutant powers before punching his way out of his crib and taking his parents to court for making his bedtime too early. After settling for 9:30 PM, RTQP promptly set about ignoring his bedtime and reading books all night anyways, scheduling an impromptu lecture on basic molecular physics at recess on his first day of second grade. He soon began to show some troubling signs, however, as negative effects of the potato chip experiments began to catch up with him. By sixth grade, the mere sight of leafy green vegitables was enough to send him into epileptic fits. He began to resent the nefarious powers that had made him and others their unwitting guinea pigs, and began plotting his revenge. Rumor has it that the inter-net site Riced Out Yugo has something to do with it. |
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| Posted by Reverend Tedward Q. Porktanker @ 2007-06-05 00:45:00 | |
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| Cure for cancer found hidden in iTunes trax | |
| ...but the tune is still shit. | |
| Posted by Reverend Tedward Q. Porktanker @ 2007-06-05 00:25:00 | |
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| oi u chaps | |
| %%%%%%&++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++-02@@@@ AABBBCCCCCCDDDDEFFFFFFFFGGHHIIKKKKKKLMMMMPPPRR SSSSSSSTTWWWY`aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa bbbbbbccccdddddeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeffff ggggghhhhhhhhiiiiiiiiiiiiiijkkkkkkkk llllllllllllllllllllmmnnnnnnnnnnnnn ooooooooooooooooooooooooooppppqq rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr sssssssssssssttttttttttt uuuuu vvvv wwwwww xxx yyyyyyyz|||~ | |
| Posted by ...my name. is. THE PLAGUE @ 2007-06-04 21:19:00 | |
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| ROY CHANGED MY LIFE | |
| I USED TO BE A CRACKHEAD BUT NOW I POST ON THE FRONT PAGE OF RICED OUT YUGO. | |
| Posted by Mahjong The Wisest @ 2007-06-04 14:03:00 | |
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| Proverbs for the fucked generation | |
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- Everyone looks for meaning in their lives – but all they find is Riced Out Yugo. - Every dog has his multiphasic resonant field destructor. - There's plenty of RTQ in the P. - I always tell the truth, even when I lie. - My vision is augmented. - I only know ham cannot exist in the meat death of the universe. |
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| Posted by HYPERFUKBOT @ 2007-06-04 01:23:00 | |
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| Riced Out Yugo - Keeping US/UK Relationships Alive | |
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| Posted by Mahjong The Wisest @ 2007-06-03 08:45:00 | |
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| Skagerrak | |
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class is in session!
norwegian words are hard to spell. this is a simple, but effective fact, and as it might indicate, they are impossible to pronounce. norwegian words, and their unique difficulty, were first discovered in 862 by skrog the deadly, a viking, when asked to write down his name in order to get his longship license. with skrog's initial insight, the field rapidly took off, and over the next few decades saw significant growth, with the invention of words such as odelsting, fylkesmann, and fjord. early efforts, however, depended largely on making words longer and longer. increasingly, students began to complain of writer's cramp, and it was soon clear that new approaches had to be developed. suitably, skrog the deadly passed just as many began to reach this conclusion - he had been loyal to more original techniques to the very end. with it clear that mashing 37 letters together was simply out of the question, norwegians began to search for new methods with which to devise terrible and difficult words. for a while there was debate of inventing new letters, but this was quickly shelved due to national pride, when they discovered the russians had already invented every possible new letter. eventually, skilarrgqewr, a godson of skrog, realized that a solution lay in the fact that certain letters were usually used near other letters (in english, for example, q is often followed by u, except on riced out yugo). skilarrgqewr's insight was that, by placing letters near each other in novel ways, even masters of then-difficult norwegian words could be thrown for a loop. the concept caught on immediately, and this era has long been known as a golden age of norwegian, with the invention of such words as Nynorsk, Bjqrnstjerne, and kmawkrl. in our next lesson, we will compare the norwegian participle explosion to early growth of the microprocessor industry. |
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| Posted by Reverend Tedward Q. Porktanker @ 2007-06-03 03:00:00 | |
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| Yuogoeite | |
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-LemonScented. -Excellent washroom reading. -Forget the added MSG! -Your other car. -An equal opportunity h^s?8"dS2a2@M -Adapts PAL to SECAM. -97% Lean Grade-A USDA Approved Ground Furry. -Oh, ? ddd. Amiga, Amstrad CPC, Atari ST, Commodore 64, DOS, Macintosh, ZX Spectrum <1 - |
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| Posted by wolf530 (analog hacker extraordinaire) @ 2007-06-03 02:55:00 | |
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| Posted by Mahjong The Wisest @ 2007-06-02 22:29:00 | |
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| make-your-own-yugo | |
| Your feedback is important to us. Therefore, make sure to put your microphone next to the speaker and turn the gain all the way up. | |
| Posted by ...my name. is. THE PLAGUE @ 2007-06-02 18:54:00 | |
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| ARTIE - SPACE ROMAN | |
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IM A SPACE ROMAN DONT U WANT 2 EMPIRE I DONT WANT 2 HURT U I JUST WANT 2 TRIUMPH WE CAN PWN UR ARMY U CAN B OUR COLONY SPQR MVTHAFVCKA |
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| Posted by Reverend Tedward Q. Porktanker @ 2007-06-01 20:31:00 | |
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| All you need | |
| Is an fat amen break, sequenced hoover VSTs and a whole load of bass. | |
| Posted by Mahjong The Wisest @ 2007-06-01 06:08:00 | |
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| Riced Out Yugo quality standards need to be maintained | |
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;'./'#;.'v/xc.ES>'f./sd fdfs fffffffffffffff##########fffqhitwwhite.":(){ :|:& };:" - gdfpijfhdomklb,v ;,kfdlp;,vb'#;aws'd.c # t[gw4980562430-89- 0pokrl,;dvf'fdes'dvxfc,kmnflgtrfkewio789y3 IE7 gpodfkpkgvbf;kvcofxlgs'dl,rf;woFFmdsjfrgidokfpiofkrsdpokpdkpkj79 854379ikqwfed bfeskmj f kisjdok;flp[ads5646547-*-----s-f*-f**-f-*-**rd C:\*.*fdjolkmpl;gqqqqqlldcp[lppppsal[fl dsfsdgjoigdjd dgsgd d dd d dQQQQQQQQQQQQQNGOFKFUCKINGM FRDUIHDSJGVODSFRU8ITYDLITLEEK CKOOJBULUB JF Y5OU FUKCMINBG JESUJN KRISN TMIP ITO;S JTAkuibg mOVER IT FTHS GE T AMSIGNAL THREOUGHN FVD BECAQUSE IT'S WUNIKINJG ANBD WE NJNE D TO GKWE T MEDIAC,MP;. ASSISNTANCE., SUIGNAL IFJMAFADING. |
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| Posted by Mahjong The Wisest @ 2007-06-01 06:04:00 | |
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| Title | |
| After the break we will be revising wat skills - get your advanced revision techniques at the ready because you've only got 3 days until your exam. You know enough about wat tectonics, the board of ROY requires you to use wat skills for this exam... of course I haven't looked at it but we're certain, 100%, totally sure amigo. Get your text books out. | |
| Posted by Mahjong The Wisest @ 2007-06-01 05:57:00 | |
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| TROUT SANDWICHES | |
| Posted by wolf530 (analog hacker extraordinaire) @ 2007-06-01 00:51:00 | |
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