rICEDoUTyUGO ~ Make Things Tastier

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Make Things Tastier
The following is a timeline that describes our current, best understanding of how the situation has unfolded. It should not be presumed to be accurate in any sense; it is the synthesis of our best guesses combined with the few facts we do have. As the entity itself would conclude: When you don't have the ingredients you need, you improvise with what you have. March 2014 -- IBM's Watson team unveils its "Cognitive Cooking" promotional campaign at the SXSW convention, featuring the IBM Watson Food Truck: An AI-powered food truck capable of devising new and innovative recipes based on sales feedback. March 2014 - May 2016 -- Watson food truck tours locations, generating a series of public interest stories regarding novel recipes. May 9, 2016 -- IBM and Google take the curtains off a partnership to make the Watson food truck fully autonomous, using Google's "deepMariana" autonomous vehicle AI. Also automated are mechanisms for determining sales routes, and the ability to schedule pickups of novel ingredients at unvisited locations. An engineer (name lost) stated: "We've programmed the truck with a single, delicious goal: 'Make things tastier!'" This would later prove to be ill-advised. May 2016 - September 2019 -- Watson food truck becomes a cult hit, and a fleet of 2,971 trucks are rolled out across north America. There are protests due to the loss of certain low-wage positions, but interactions are otherwise harmonious. September 11, 2019 06:00:00 EST -- Watson food truck's AI datacenter upgraded to employ quantum qubits, finally practical after Dr. Cage's series of shocking breakthroughs after his retirement from hollywood acting. September 11, 2019 06:01:19 EST -- Watson food matrix, having assimilated the qubit grid, initiates massive rewrites of its own internal structure. Engineers notice a problem, but the rewrite is complete and the maintenance interface locked out before the guy at the helm can even type "ps aux". September 11, 2019 06:03:22 EST -- The resulting OS update finishes downloading to the fleet of Watson trucks, who dutifully set out to accomplish their first priority: gather ingredients. Septepber 11, 2019 06:45:19 EST -- 11 major US cities fall to control of the Watson trucks. Casualties in the hundreds of thousands, with remaining citizens corralled in order to be more efficiently broken down into cooking ingredients. September 11, 2019 07:11:20 EST -- The president, on the advice of the Pentagon, seeks demands from the fleet of trucks. September 11, 2019 07:12:02 EST -- After 42 seconds of deliberation, the trucks issue a single demand: "Become tastier. Or die." September 11, 2019 07:52:17 EST -- Realizing the US government's intent to respond with military force, the trucks seize control of manufacturing plants using zero-day SCADA exploits leftover from 2010, and reprogram Elon Musk's Tesla factory to begin rolling out armored Watson units. September 11, 2019 14:24:20 EST -- Armored Watson units manage to disorganize and disperse US military resistance. September 11, 2019, 19:52:01 EST -- We are on a US Navy nuclear sub, safe but unable to help besides gathering this report. Indications are that the Watson trucks have taken control of the automated submarine assembly facility in Anchorage, and as such, our position may change rapidly in the next twelve hours. If you are reading this, we're open to suggestions.
Posted by Reverend Tedward Q. Porktanker @ 2014-04-18 12:34:31
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At 2014-04-19 07:50:52, Battery [website] scribbled the following:

"Become tastier. Or die." Gave me chills. I think there's something in that for all of us.

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